


Clarity

by gonefornow



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Bottom Calum, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Straight Michael, Top Luke, Unrequited Love, sex without love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 18:19:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3539333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonefornow/pseuds/gonefornow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is a chump in love with Calum. One-shot guys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarity

You’re at it again. Beckoning me into a [dark corner](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/112823165798/cake-fic-with-malum-undertones#) with a flash of your smile, a tilt of your hips. Asking me to worship you. And I’m your supplicant, willing to throw myself on your altar for the heart-achingly brief attention you will give me before you leave me again in darkness.

But I love you. What can I do different?

I can see the pity in the crews’ eyes when they [watch](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/112823165798/cake-fic-with-malum-undertones#) us together. Watch me watching you. I am your willing fool. You use me and I let you. More than _let_ you, I _crave_ you. Don’t know if I could even survive now without the bite of your nails digging into my shoulders, the taste of your sweet lips against mine when you arch underneath me.

You must laugh at me all the time. Poor stupid Luke, falling for popular, unreachable Calum. These roles are technically in the distant past, but to me, it still feels like we live them everyday.

Do you laugh about me with _him_?

The first time you let me touch you, I was foolish enough to think you wanted me too, that this was mutual. It was just the two of us in some back-room of an arena that evening. You caught onto my eyes fixated on you for the umpteenth time that day and for whatever reason, _this time_ you responded, pinned me down with a glare that kept me [rooted](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/112823165798/cake-fic-with-malum-undertones#) to my seat. I can still remember the panic trying to claw it’s way out of my chest as I watched you lift yourself out of your love-seat and stalk your way across the short distance separating us with a face as dark as midnight.

I expected a punch - you had other plans.

With innate grace that must come from your years as an athlete, you stripped yourself bare and climbed into my lap. And I was speechless then, unable to even process what was happening when you lifted my hands to your skin. I always imagined you would be aggressive, but this was beyond anything I could have dreamed of. Still I tried to be gentle, to take it slow so you would not spook.

Ridiculous really.

 _I_ should have been the one running. Yet even now, knowing how I would be ruined, I could not do anything different.

I crave you, remember?

You needed something from me that night and you were insistent, demanding that I give it to you. You pressed closer, impatient and hasty as you unbuttoned my pants, uncaring about the unlocked door, about our call-time only 15 minutes away. The desire burning in your eyes demanded satisfaction, and I would have moved the world to give it to you right then.

Since that day, we’ve been lovers. I use that term in the most casual sense of the word now because even I am not naive enough to believe you actually _love_ me. I don’t even know anymore if you _like_ me, although we still keep up the facade of the same easy camaraderie we have shared since we were [adolescent boys](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/112823165798/cake-fic-with-malum-undertones#). Or maybe it’s just me who finds these rifts growing between us. Maybe for you, I am still the same _[Lukey](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/112823165798/cake-fic-with-malum-undertones#) _ I’ve always been.

I don’t know which idea hurts more. That you _pretend_ everything is the same. Or that you _don’t_ … because for you everything _is_ the same. Have I really had so little impact? Are you so engrossed in _him_ to notice me even to that little extent?

I still feel phantoms of that stabbing pain that ripped through me when I finally put two and two together and came up with four. So naive. So stupid. Of course you wanted him; your childhood friend, your best friend now despite how much _I_ covet that title. He owns so much of your past that I have no rights to. I’ll admit I’m jealous of the little jokes only you two share, the easy friendships your families have because your relationship has existed for _that_ long.

But mostly I am jealous of how you look at him, stare at him when no one else is watching. Like he is to be cherished. Like I cherish you. Every smile he earns from you makes me want to strangle him with my bare hands. Every time his hand brushes yours, I want to rip the offending limb off and feed it to the dogs. You are _mine_. He sees the blotches of violent purple I leave on your throat as proof of my ownership of you and still _dares_ to touch what belongs to someone else. What belongs to _me_.

All the theatrics in my head are unnecessary. He is in love with a girl, doesn’t _want_ you, and that is my saving grace and my eternal damnation combined in one.

I reacted to my discovery of my one-sided love affair in the usual way: by drowning myself in vodka and groupies. When that inevitably failed to dampen the pain, I tried to convince myself you were nothing but a sweet fuck, carried on for a while as if you meant nothing. Who was I to turn down such a sweet deal: sex without commitment or guilt? It’s what every eighteen year old guy wants.

My self-deception only lasted so long. You never initiated any kisses, but once I tasted your lips, I could not bear not having them again. You never protested, never protested anything really, offered yourself up for the taking and quite complacent to let me have you however my mood suits.

Braced against the wall with your legs wrapped around my waist, laid out on the counters, bouncing incoherently in my lap. You only demanded that I fulfill your desires. Writhing in my bed, legs spread open for me, you asked and I answered. I have never been able to deny you, cannot bear the thought of you turning to someone else.

And you’ve been faithful to me about this at least. No one else has ever tasted you. My own personal, private slut. Seductive, submissive, and exclusive. I cling to this thought, so significant to me and so _in_ significant to you.

You’ve never asked to top, even though we both know I would let you. Could not say no to you for anything. The question never comes up because it’s not what you want.

You want to be taken, cherished, adored, _owned,_ and I am the hapless substitute you have chosen in lieu of the one you can’t have. I suppose I should count my blessings.

Except on those occasions when it’s hard not to see the blessings as curses. For a week, a _week_ , you did not touch me, did not invite me to come to you with your beautiful dark eyes. Granted, we’re on a tour bus, and in a different city every night. But while my fire burns as strong as ever, you’re indifferent and concerned only of sleep.

Last night, you and Ashton were already dozing in the back of SUV before we even got back to the hotel. I wish you tried to stay awake a little longer. We were sharing a hotel-room and I would have settled for a simple caress. But of course, it’s not me who haunts your thoughts so why _should_ you lose precious sleep to wish me goodnight?

It’s not me you want so what I want of you means little to you.

You don’t need me. You need to watch me burn with desire so you can soothe the wounds _his_ indifference causes.

But tonight, for just a few moments, when I’m buried in your blistering heat, and my name is falling like a prayer from your beautiful lips, I will let myself pretend otherwise.

\---

 

**Hi! Thanks for reading my fic! If you want to reblog on tumblr, please use[this link](http://flameretardant123.tumblr.com/post/112823165798/cake-fic-with-malum-undertones).**

**Author's Note:**

> Also, if you're a cake-lover and especially a bottom-Cal fan, you should come find me on tumblr at flameretardant123.tumblr.com


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